Cannabis-Infused Cultured Butter Croissants
That Unsubscribe You from Every Email List You’ve Ever Joined
(the croissant that looked at every Bed Bath & Beyond coupon, every political fundraising blast, every “your cart is waiting” reminder and quietly hit “permanently delete” on the entire concept of your inbox)
Flaky, honeycomb-layered, 95 mg THC cultured-butter croissants so shatteringly perfect they erase your digital footprint one buttery shard at a time. One croissant = the official breakfast of “I just opened Gmail and it says ‘Welcome! You have zero messages ever’… and I finally know peace.”
Yields: 10 large croissants (or 1 if you’re done with spam forever)
THC per croissant: exactly 95 mg
Total time: 3 days (classic lamination) + 7 days proper infusion
CANNABIS INFUSION: 95 mg THC LECITHIN CULTURED BUTTER
454 g European-style cultured butter (82–84 % fat)
21.6 g cannabis flower testing 22 % THC (≈ 4752 mg total THC pre-decarb)
2 tbsp (14 g) sunflower lecithin granules
1 tsp sea salt (infused and strained out)
DECARBOXYLATION
240 °F exact, 21.6 g medium-fine grind, thin layer, 40 minutes → cool completely
INFUSION (lab-grade)
1. Gently melt cultured butter with salt to 185 °F in mason jar water bath
2. Add decarbed cannabis + lecithin
3. Hold 185–195 °F exactly 2 hours, swirl every 15 min
4. Strain hot through 90-micron + coffee filter
5. Cool 10 min → whip 60 sec to re-emulsify
6. Fridge overnight → deep golden-green lamination weapon
Yield ≈ 400 g containing 950 mg total usable THC
→ 95 mg per 40 g butter block per croissant
CROISSANT DOUGH (détrempe + beurrage)
500 g bread flour
10 g salt
60 g sugar
10 g instant yeast
250 g whole milk, cold
50 g of the THC cultured butter, softened (for dough)
350 g of the THC cultured butter, cold, shaped into 18×25 cm block (beurrage)
CLASSIC LAMINATION
Day 1: Make détrempe, chill 2 hrs. Enclose 350 g THC butter block. 3 single turns (letter folds), 1 hour rest between each in fridge.
Day 2: 1 final single turn. Roll to 4 mm thick, 60×30 cm. Cut 10 large triangles. Shape croissants. Proof 2–3 hrs at 76 °F until jiggly.
Bake 400 °F → drop to 375 °F, 18–22 min until mahogany and hollow-sounding.
INSTRUCTIONS
1. Each finished croissant contains exactly 40 g of the infused butter = 95 mg THC.
2. Eat warm with nothing. Let the layers shatter like every marketing email you’ve ever received.
3. Hand one croissant to the friend who still gets J. Crew catalogs from 2006. Watch them take three bites, blink slowly, and say “…Gmail just asked if I’m a new user and I’m not even mad.”
PRO TIPS
Onset 20–45 min. Cultured butter + lecithin + 87 layers = inbox-annihilation thermonuclear device.
Freeze unbaked; proof and bake straight from freezer and accidentally unsubscribe from existence.
If the croissant starts whispering “this message was deleted by sender” while you chew, you have achieved laminated enlightenment.
Ten croissants. Zero unread emails.
#CroissantUnsubscribe #95mgAndNoSpam #LecithinLamination #theedibleoptout #pastrythatunpersonsyourinbox